Diaromas, mobiles, posters, "A Day in the Life of" reports, paper mache globes...I would like to issue a formal apology to the parents of every child I ever taught. Now that I am a parent myself, I realize I had no fucking clue what a wretched pain in the ass these projects were I so cavalierly assigned on a regular basis. With two children in the higher primary grades, I now know how many parent hours were put into these assignments. The trips to the craft store, where I stand in line, impatiently tapping my foot, behind people with waaaay too much time on their hands judging by the amount of scrapbooking, bedazzling and decoupage supplies in their child-free carts, all so I can buy popsicle sticks to glue into a replica of the Jamestown settlement with a recalcitrant child long into the night. Karma is a bitch. It was during such a project though, that I recently learned something - other than never go to Michaels later than ten in the morning or on Senior Tuesday.
#1 came home with a project titled "My Family Flag". Before I even finished reading the assignment I was making a shopping list in my head, wondering, "Do I still have that felt from the Native American headdress project?" Before we could even begin cutting and hot gluing (you are not officially a mother of school-aged children until you own a hot glue gun and have several sizes of google-y eyes in your house at all times), she had to come up with her concept. This particular project was for a Social Studies unit about countries, and in a pretty interesting twist, the teacher was having each child treat their families as if they were countries themselves. On her flag, #1 had to have our family motto, and representations of our national pastimes and industries - basically, what we do as a family.
My eldest had done some brainstorming at school (love when they are given class time to work!), and had a pretty decent list of things we do - going to the beach, reading, riding bikes, cooking etc. So now we had to tackle the motto. As I steeled myself for what was sure to be a long discussion, where I tried not to feed her answers, my daughter came up with some great ideas. It seems over the past ten years, I had been saying certain things over and over again - creating mottos without intending to. When I thought about it, I realized every family needs, if not a motto, then a few credos by which they live - and if we really want our children to absorb them they need to be said out loud and often.
We think the lessons we are trying to teach our kids come across loud and clear through our actions, but their interpretations of what we are doing may not be the lesson we are trying to teach. You may think you are forging strong sibling bonds, forcing your children to compromise when playing with each other, but they might just be thinking "How do I get my own way this time?" When you are clear about the message you are trying to send, there can be no mixed signals, and when heard enough times (roughly a thousand for the average eight year-old) it will eventually become rote.
H and I stumbled upon this accidentally in our parenting and it has proven quite useful. For example, I frown upon my children using the term "best friend", I feel it sets everyone up for heartbreak and disappointment at some point. Instead, when it comes up I say, "Yes, So-and-so is your very, very good friend, but your siblings are your best friends." Sure, maybe #1 can't imagine Little Man as her top confidante as he lays on the floor banging Hot Wheels cars into his forehead, but in fifteen years that will change. And she will be open to that by drilling it into her that he and#2 are the two people, other than her parents, who she can trust most in this world.
Taking it back a step further, this flag project brought to light that, as parents, we need to distinctly specify the values upon which we will raise our families. These vague, amorphous ideas of love and respect are all well and good, but a concise phrase to bring it into focus allows you to make parenting decisions by asking yourself if your choices are meeting these goals. These phrases can also be succinct reminders of longer discussions you have about these values. All of the ideas #1 had for her motto were based around the central principal H and I repeat again and again to our kids - "Family comes first". It handily covers who to side with when your friend and your sibling are in a disagreement, or why, no, you can't invite a friend along on our family outing. H and I can also use this slogan as a litmus test for decision we ourselves our making. Have we been too busy? Have we been spending enough time with the kids, and interacting with them in a way that is meaningful? We have tried to teach our kids that we are a strong unit and what matters most is caring for and enjoying that unity. I guess we had a motto and never knew it.
In the end, #1 decided upon "Better Together", which I thought was a beautiful interpretation of our motto. Although, she later told me she thought of it when the Jack Johnson station was on Pandora. I will choose to ignore that and, based on the discussions we had, claim this as a parenting victory. Precious are moments when you see your parenting efforts come to fruition and I will not have this one stolen from me by a guy who plays the ukulele.
Besides, I had already envisioned Mean Mommy Family t-shirts being printed up and everything. Now we just need a logo....
No comments:
Post a Comment