Dear Inventor of the Super Bounce Ball,

After tirelessly trying to prevent your product from entering my home by sprinting past those slot machines of childhood at the grocery store’s exit the first five years of my children's lives, I was recently forced to allow your creation through my door. Even though tattoos and other cool prizes are prominently displayed, trying to suck the allowance change right out of my children’s pockets, we always wind up with the booby prize – a Super Bounce Ball.

You, sir or madam, are obviously not a parent, since you have created a toy that can be safely used nowhere. In fact the term “toy” should not be used at all. How about “picture frame smashing missile” or “ball I bounce once and lose in the bushes forever”. There is very little playing of any kind going on with these balls due their erratic, lightning speed path and small size, making them both impossible to catch or find both in and out of doors. So what the hell is a kid supposed to do with these things? I don’t live in a racquetball court, which is the only successful scenario I can imagine.

I love your attempt at remedying the situation, and put more coin in your own pocket, by selling a larger, more expensive version. Pulled to the prize machine like a moth to a flame, my offspring were awestruck by the Mega Bounce Ball which, unlike the less-then-golf-ball size of its predecessor, is now roughly the size and density of a lacrosse ball. Now my son cannot only smash my framed wedding photo, but also put a hole in the flat screen TV with a single bounce. The increased size might be an advantage for outdoor play in some households, but since our canine has been stealing the girls’ lacrosse balls all spring, this only adds to his fun and my child’s panic.

So send forthwith, if you will, an instruction manual for your product. Perhaps with my Master’s degree, I am not bright enough to figure this thing out despite my best efforts.

Sincerely,
Mean Mommy

PS – If you are in touch with the Inventor of the Super Stretchy Sticky Hand, I’d like to have a word with him about how to remove the stains on my ceiling.