Dear Martha Stewart,

Hi. I know you are very, very busy, but I just have a quick question. Aren't you tired, Martha? I occasionally catch a few minutes of your show after the end of the Today show with the abhorrent Kathy Lee Gifford (I reserve judgment of Hoda as I'm sure she, just beginning her prime-time career, would co-host with Hitler if he could read the teleprompter) and frankly, girl, you exhaust me.

It is not just your vast media empire (Hubby and I use a James Earl Jones-esque voice when you come up in conversation to say the name of your leviathan company "Martha Stewart OMNIMEDIA") or all of the projects you claim to have a hand in on your Connecticut estate - beekeeping, animal husbandry from chickens to sheep, gardening, etc., (which frankly, I do not buy for a single minute - there is a cast of minions doing your bidding while you tape your show), but Marty, isn't it fatiguing being so damn prim and proper all the time?

To begin, the wardrobe. Come on. I know those button down shirts probably cost more than my mortgage payment, but when you're gutting a pumkpin or decoupaging a dresser wouldn't a nice, long-sleeved T-shirt and pair of jeans be comfy? Trust me, they are.  Then you wouldn't have to move around in such a stately manner worrying about wrinkling your duds.  An old college sweatshirt also comes in handy.

And the speech. I don't need every word carefully enunciated. The way you says "herb", by the way? Like the man's name? It's not winning you any fans other than men named Herb. And your producers must want to pull their hair out at the snail's pace of your oration. That slow and deliberate way you speak makes me roll my eyes and wag my hand in the "out with it" gesture. I myself can speak so quickly and with such a Bronx accent when aggitated people can not understand me. Don't you ever want to scream, or shriek with laughter? Don't you ever want to use phrases like, "Screw this" or "What the hell?" I know you can't curse on national television, but the FCC approved equivalents would be fine. You know I don't trust people who don't swear and added to that list - people who are too reserved. You've made it, lady, now's the time to let your carefully frosted hair down and let us see the real you. And if this is the real you, I pity your daughter.  No wonder she seemed like such a cold fish on The Apprentice.

So I am extending an open invitation to you, Martha.  Come on over to my place for Halloween and we'll eat micro-waved chicken nuggets on paper plates while my children run around in their store-bought Halloween costumes in the glow of the jack-o-lanterns I made using an old gravy spoon and a dull kitchen knife.   You'll see how liberating imperfection can be.   Because after a few glasses of wine, everything looks perfect.

Sincerely,

Mary

Shut up, kid

It is shameful how long it has been since I posted, dear readers, but after last week, the wringer and I? We're good pals. Last week was a tough one not only for me, but for my eldest as well. And my father was not kidding, you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.

What I have been fearing for years finally came to pass with my girl. Background first. My oldest is a chip off the old block. As a child, I was hypersensitive and was only truly happy when everyone else was happy. We both share an intense, "can't we all just get along?" philosophy and while, somewhere around middle school, I decided to grow a thicker skin and develop the "fuck you" attitude most of you are alarmingly familiar with, Mean Mommy was, once upon a time, a wimp. I took shit left, right and center from a series of queen bees and went back for more. I am not ashamed to say it because it made me the person I am today, as my sister puts it, "the champion of the meek", but watching my poor, sweet girl go through this is exponentially worse and like a thousands knives through my heart.

So when #1 came home from school last week telling me some kid in her class was being mean to her I immediately began to plot this child's death while trying to repair the damage done. While after hearing the details of the story, it was obvious that my sensy little one was taking things way too seriously and this kid had a serious case of the I-Think-My-Opinion-Counts, it made me think not only of the bullies I encountered back in the day, but of most kids I am running into now that we are seriously entrenched in the social world of elementary school.

The epidemic of which I speak is running rampant through our youth and unless we do something about it America will become known, even more so, as a country of loud-mouthed assholes. The child my daughter was having trouble with was coming up to her to tell things like, "You're late" or "That joke's not funny". Petty, mean things that really don't need to be said. This child, like so many others, has been taught that his opinion actually matters. That every thought he has, mean or otherwise, is valid and needs to be shared regardless of the feelings of others or, god forbid, social graces.

Even with adults these kids can't keep their traps shut. When we have playdates, they are forever haunting me:
Step 1 - Annoying kid: "Can we watch TV?"
Step 2 - Mean Mommy: "No, we don't watch TV on playdates at our house. We play."
Step 3 - AK: "But why?"
Repeat Steps 2 and 3 until Mean Mommy makes a face that scares the kid and she shuts up.

Can you fucking imagine the nerve????? It's all I can do not to smack the kid in the face and say, "Becasue I freakin' said so and who the hell asked you?" We had one kid over for dinner last week before a Halloween party and after being told we'd put on our costumes after dinner, she continued to haunt me for the next hour and forty-five minutes, "Can we now?" Then as I'm feeding the baby, "Is dinner over yet?" Not to toot my kid's horn, but she would sooner stick hot pokers in her eyes than challenge a grown-up once given a reasonable answer.

Kids today, in my opinion, think they are important and while we all love our kids and think the sun rises and sets with them, it is our job to instill a sense of humility in them that lets them know, really, everyone is not hanging on your every word and not everything you think needs to come shooting out of that little graham cracker-hole. Did you ever wonder why our parents' generation had about fifty kids in each public school class and no one got out of hand and our generation is calling the newspapers if Johnny's first grade has more than fifteen? That's because each child also brings their ego, doubling class size. Remember the adage "Children should be seen and not heard"? A little of that goes a long way if you ask me.

Now I am not saying we should teach children to never express their opinions or challenge authority when warranted, but an appropriate amount of restraint would be nice. So while we all work on that I know I have a responsibilitiy to toughen my eldest up, as well as myself. It's going to be a long road ahead with losts of stings and barbs and we both need to be prepared for that. I will comfort myself at night, however, with visions of these kids, years down the road, when they are managing a Friendly's or selling used cars. Maybe someone will care what they have to say then and ask them what flavor to order their Fribble.

I don't get...

This is a topic I think I am going to start exploring regularly here at MM. There are just too many things in the world that perplex me and I wonder if I am the only one. So to begin. I don't get...

...people who back into parking spaces. Obviously, I don't mean parallel parking spaces, what I am talking about are people who screw up the entire traffic pattern at the mall, grocery store or other any other center of commerce to drive by the spot they want, stop, and back into it, rather than doing what the rest of us normal people do which is put on our directional (unless you are my father, in which case you think the whole world knows where you are going and turn at will) and pull in. Apparently, it is such a problem at my local grocery store they have erected signs that read "Head In Parking Only". Are all of these people EMT's, firefighters, or undercover police officers? Because I really can't see any other reason to need to pull out of a parking space in such a hurry you don't have a few seconds to look in the rear view mirror.

Another group or parkers who must have descended from the first, and annoy me equally, are the "pull through leavers". These are the people who, when leaving a parking space where the adjacent space in front has been vacated, pull through that empty spot to exit their space rather than reverse out. Again, is your neck in brace? Then maybe you shouldn't be driving. Because what inevitably happens is, said driver pulls out just as another car is trying to take the space that appears to be empty and both drivers slam on their brakes. Or, even better, the schmuck pulling through does so as if every other driver in the lane should be looking two rows over for traffic or at least be expecting a car to come barreling out of an empty parking spot, and another accident is barely averted with much brake squealing.

This entry has jogged many bad car related memories so be prepared for more down the line. Other drivers I do not get to be outed in the near future? The guy who gets in the car next to mine as I am in the middle of strapping my kids in and glares at me for taking so long so he can pull out (I was here first, asshole, and you can wait a damn minute) and people with expensive cars who purposely park straddling two spaces so no one dents their baby (you are a loser and I have to use every bit of decency I have not to key your stupid yellow Viper).